


Torn Every Which Way

by ProxyOne



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: M/M, Pining, Train of Thought, Unrequited Love, inner monologue, rambling rambling rambling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2019-05-02 07:22:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14539572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProxyOne/pseuds/ProxyOne
Summary: Shinya is pining.





	Torn Every Which Way

**Author's Note:**

> This is an _OLD_ ficlet originally published on LJ waaaaaaaaaaaay back in 2006. I've done some very very minor cleaning up of it, but otherwise it's pretty much as it originally was (which also explains why it's written in first person which I don't really do anymore. Ever). But yeah, apparently falling back into old fandoms that don't really have a following on here is now a thing \^_^/
> 
> Original comments when posted: From Shinya's POV. It's bit weird, and jumpy, and I'm not entirely sure that I like it. But it's sort of train of thought stuff, so that explains the jumpiness. Don't normally write these ones from Shinya's POV, but he just seemed to work better.

What am I doing? You know, I used to be fine. I have a girlfriend I love, an ok life, nothing overly special but I like it.

And then I met him.

I've never wondered about my sexuality all that much. Sure, I can tell when another man is good-looking, but I've never in all my life been actually attracted to one. And then I met Die. I don't even know how we met. It was just one of those weird things. I think maybe he was a friend of a friend of a friend, or something like that. Anyway, that part isn't important. What's important is the fact that the more time we spend hanging out, the more attached I seem to be getting. When my phone rings, and I look at the caller ID and see that it's him, I get so excited. And then I feel guilty when my girlfriend looks at me and rolls her eyes. Which is stupid, because normally all he's doing is calling to see if I want to come hang out, or just to say hi, or something. It's no different to my other friends.

Only...

It is.

And I don't know why.

I know he doesn't like guys, which makes it all that much worse. Maybe if he _was_ gay and I could blame it on the fact that it makes me wonder, or he pays me extra special attention, or _something_ like that I could cling to, no matter how ridiculous or tenuous, then it would be easier to handle.

Though maybe it is a good thing that he isn't. Because I love my girlfriend. I really do. I never want to do anything to hurt her. Cheating on her would be the worst thing I think I could ever do, and leaving her...

But if Die kissed me tomorrow, I know I wouldn't hesitate to kiss him back.

If he asked me to spend the night with him, I know I would.

Do I love him? 

That's really the million dollar question, isn't it.

I really don't know what to think. I don't remember ever being attracted to a guy before, and I just can't work out why Die has this effect on me.

Apparently he is the one for me.

The one? Why on earth would I use that particular phrase?

See? He turns my head, and not always in a good way. I don't know what to think, what to say... and I still have my girlfriend to think of. What would she make of it if she found out I had feelings for one of my friends? She wouldn't be happy, that I'm sure of. Any more than she should be.

And that's why I feel so guilty, but I really can't help it.

Should I tell him? Should I tell her? They both deserve honesty. If I'm any sort of decent human being, telling the truth is the least that I could do.

But I know for a fact it would hurt one. And the other? I really don't know. I'd probably lose him as a friend, and that thought scares me even more.

And now my phone is ringing. No prizes for guessing who it is. I answer, and when I hear Die's voice floating down the line, it's like all my worries leave me. He's talking to me, and all the tension leaves my shoulders, and I can't help but grin like an idiot.

I should stop hanging out with him. I should cut him out of my life.

But I'm too weak.

The truth of the matter, when it really comes down to it, is that I need him.

Even if he never knows, even if things continue on like this without ever changing, even if I _never_ get over it...

I need him.


End file.
